An Unimaginable Pain

Since the blessing of my firstborn more than five years ago, I hold total respect and appreciation for pregnancy. While this is a given for most mothers, I go so far as feeling a surge of thrill whenever I see a first-time mom-to-be. Oh, what an exciting time! My first pregnancy came with luscious shiny hair and very little weight gain; what with a doting husband as father-to-be, nearly all the nine months I spent in bliss...my wish for every mom-to-be.

Several of my friends are due to give birth in these summer months, and yet, my thoughts are with one expectant mother in particular. I think of her every day. And with each day, my heart breaks for her a little more.

Beth’s husband left her, and everyone in this world, two months ago. Of his own accord.

He committed suicide, 35 years young.

In less than 60 days a miracle was due to reveal his/herself to this young couple, and yet, the pull was just too strong. Beth’s husband was a long time sufferer of depression.

Beth married my husband’s cousin not even two years ago. Financial difficulty was closing in and despair deeply rooted. Still, the questions linger. Why? How? Some with fury call him a coward for exiting eternally. They think they could accept abandonment over death. Others believe, sadly an illness took him beyond knowing and seeing the world as it exists for you and me. And for Beth.

Though they attended our wedding and dined at our home one night two years ago, our connection is remote at best. This distance leaves me no outlet (inlet?) for the kindness and peace I want so badly for Beth.

I am compelled to think of her, pray for her and weep for her.

How will she celebrate the joy without the pain?

Who will hold her hand during delivery?

Who will feed the baby when she's just too exhausted to wake another minute?

What will she tell her baby when asked about Daddy?

For how long will her heart ache?

And finally, does she ever forgive him?